The move to beautiful Lake City

In April of 2023, we finally got to move to Lake City. This was the move we had been waiting for! We got a cute one-level living perfect for our family. We met our next door neighbors who very quickly became our best friends, and their kiddos quickly became our honorary nieces and nephews. Sean had a ton in common with the husband and I with the wife. It was a Godsend. We live about 2 blocks from the gorgeous Lake Pepin and all was right in the world…until I finished my book, I published my book and received my book in the mail only to realize Amazon majorily screwed up the print. The font was too small to read, the pictures were misplaced all over the place-it was a mess. I was so excited to tell my family I published my book, then to have it turn out like what a let down!

I was devastated that Amazon had taken something sacred to me and messed it up, which sparked anxiety. I thought maybe starting on a 2nd book would help- I am a true blue dive into the next thing kinda girl.

Unfortunately, it caused such bad anxiety that one day, I snapped! I am not even sure how to describe it other than a switch got turned on, and all of a sudden I was stuck in what felt like the Twilight Zone. I was all of a sudden struggling with contamination OCD, meaning I would have to shower over and over and over again in the same day if I touched anything dirty, or that my intrusive thought said was dirty. I dreaded getting into the shower because I wasn’t sure if I would have a panic attack.

The walls felt like they were closing in and I could not stop it or breathe. I was numb, I was scared and I was losing my mind. Hair wash day was the worst becuase hair became a trigger. That is how it started, I got out of the shower one day, started to get dressed only to realize I had a hair on my leg, and all of a sudden, I felt dirty so I had to shower again and again. It was crazy! This lasted a couple of months.

I begged and pleaded for God to deliver me from it, to show me that he was here with me and that I was ok, but at that time I could not feel him. I could not see him and I did not know what to do.

Panic attacks led to me falling on the floor in tears, the guys would have to pick me up off of the floor and put me in the car if we had to go anywhere because they were not going to leave me like that. Deep breathing, coaching from family and friends and the wonderful NOCD app were Godsends. That app saved my sanity!

One day when Sean was home, he turned off his video game and quietly sat me down to talk. He told me that I had started writing my second book after a month when the first book took 10 years to write, he said “you have not grieved anything yet, you are over whelming your brain” He was absolutely right, I did not give myself any time.

I started taking super long walks when my attacks would start, I ended up walking 7 miles a day! It was crazy! I ended up seeing a doctor because it was getting to the point where I needed meds. My mom recommended meds and the doctor agreed so I did get some to help.

The biggest testimony that came out of that situation was, my friend Donna, who owns a boutique downtown, came over one afternoon and prayed with me. She walked aroun my house 7 times with me praying over my house, my anxiety, my heart and my mind. 6 months later, my neighbors had to move out of the apartment upstairs and my son got to move in, so that was awesome. The next testimony was when I was walking those 7 miles I would tell God I NEEDED to hear the song Overcomer to know that he was here. That song never came on…I questioned him a bit which was new to me because I have never questioned him, instead as I am walking, the song “Praise you in this Storm” came on. I started crying, singing, lifting my hands in praise and it hit me like a bolt of lightening, I did not need him to show me that he was there…becuase I NEW he was there. He carries all of my tears, he knows who I am and what I was going through but I needed to TRUST him and know that he did not need to prove anything to me because the proof was always there.

That was INTENSE!

After that day, things started leveling out, I started coping better with things and I started trusting him and myself again. I also prayed about my book. I called my dad to see what he suggested I do as I always ask my dad, I asked him for his opinion on re-writing it with my grandpa Larry which was always my plan in the first place-he said absolutely! I remembered I asked gramps about it in 2020 but then the pandemic happened and life happened and I just decided to do it myself. Note to self-that never works!

SO I called gramps and asked him to wr-write it with me and of course he said yes so the next several months we worked on our book! While we worked on the book, I worked on me. Learning who I was again, grieving like I should have done a long time ago and feeling-I prayed and asked God to allow me to feel so that I could finally heal! That was the first step!

I have come a long way but I still have a ways to go. Grief comes in waves, some days are wonderful and others suck but I have learned to ride the waves and give the rest to my lifeguard who is known to walk on water!